One step closer to?

A bit of a funny with a twist in the tale.

It’s a damn good diet I’m on.
Hang on a sec, I’m not! But I’m still losing weight.

We (the Royal we aka SWMBO and me) thought at first it was because she’s trying to lose weight. Those who live with partners (or trouble and strife’s) will know what I mean.

If the boss (her) is on a diet, the whole family HAS TO JOIN IN.
Something about it being in the marriage contract.

For instance now I get to miss my 3 P’s. Pies, Pizza, and Puddings.
Not forgetting sweeties, ice cream, and fry ups (Full English Breakfasts).
Takeaways, and by now you’ll be getting the idea.

I was like most New Zealand drivers in a way. How so?
It took a while to cotton onto why no one uses a stick shift out there and now I know.
One hand to drive, one to hold the pie!
No more, stick shift in the car, no pies, and it’s bad for me.

I did however “firmly” draw the line (for all of a couple of seconds before I got ‘that look’) at eating rabbit food, lettuce, carrots, and all those things that are supposedly good for you. Well soft of.
They still somehow seemed to creep onto my plate.

Still the ‘skinny bottom’ line is:-
34″ waist (which I was last when aged 11) so new jeans for me and my old joggers look like clown pantaloons which both of us could wear. At the same time!

littleoldclownMy BMI is around 23 (which apparently is normal, just not for me)
I’ve dropped sizes in jumpers,  tee shirts can now fit two of me in them, and skivvies drop off with a mere shake of my behind (which is probably too much information). As for my one smart pair of pants and shirt? Braces are called for but they just hang there looking like someone elses clothing. The tie still fits though but it is now a bit of a struggle to remember how to tie it.

Meanwhile SWMBO is exactly 3 kilo’s heavier than me and promising to stop dieting when she is the same weight as me.

Yet, that wasn’t it apparently. I’m eating loads, weight still dropping (although slowing).
So off to see the doctors as the carefully metered chems were going scatty.
Who would have thought just losing 7 kg would be enough to throw the meds way off-line.
Anyway it turned out to be a big mistake, Huge, nay MEGGER!
It’s rather like the forces.
If you keep your head down, everyone leaves you alone.
Only I didn’t so it’s been test after test after test!
Bottom line?
They still don’t know what is going on BUT the list of ‘might be’ is diminishing.

So I’ve been x-rayed, CT scanned, prodded, pushed, donated about a gallon of blood for tests, been measured, had my BMI (Bullshit Medical Initiative) score calculated, and been “raped” up and down by long skinny cameras welded by sadistic men in grubby white coats and masks. (I will get my revenge!)

I’m still convinced it’s diet related.
For example man CANNOT live without pies, pasties, and pizza.
It’s un-natural, a cruel and unusual punishment, and against the law of him-kind.
Still in the weight of 3 litres of skimmed milk time, normal service might be reinstated.
Just as soon as SWMBO weighs the same as me.

Incidently (and I’m damned proud of her about this).
SWMBO has lost the grand total of 19 kilos in 32 weeks..
Or to put it another way, the weight of the dog and then some.

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9 Responses to One step closer to?

  1. Hm. McCheese? Chocolate? Biscuits? Microwaved puds? Prawn crackers (OK, share)? whilst she has the lion’s share of fruit, fruit and more fruit. ❤ ❤ Buns today dear.

  2. Brittius says:

    “Pasties”? Must be a British term for pastries, maybe?
    Here, “pasties”, are what.., well.., Go-Go, Topless Dancers, cover the “wares”, with. You are not devouring those things? I mean the item, the hooter (or) covers or something.
    (Raises an eyebrow and would explain the caloric burn levels sufficient to lose weight.)
    Has your smile improved any? 🙂

  3. equippedcat says:

    Apparently there is a genotype (Apolipoprotein E or Apo E) which determines how your body metabolizes fats and carbs. Depending on which genotype you have defines whether you can lose weight or will gain weight on any particular diet.

    • Wow, so there is a science behind it!

      Personally I’m an old school soldier.
      Eat and drink what I can, when I can, and at every opportunity.

      Something which developed over the years from ‘visiting’ various sh’t holes round the world.

      How does that saying go? Something like:- “Go to exotic lands, meet exotic people, experience exotic food, shoot straight, and always have a plan for getting out alive.” (ツ)

  4. Johnnie Mock says:

    I feel your pain. My Frau is an excellent cook and cooks very healthy and tasty meals. Make her own bread, no additives in anything. Bio is the watchword when shopping. Except she also make those wonderful German deserts, pies and cakes. What we gain on one side, we lose on the other. French vanilla ice cream with strawberry sauce……………………………..Black Forest cake…………….. I am suffering!!!!!!

    • Lead me to this food Nivana Master! 🙂

      I LOVE German and Eastern European food.
      SWMBO would add’strangely enough’ I also have a fatal fixation on Black Bread with honey.

      Just can’t get enough of it given the chance.

      As for the BF cake?
      I likes them too, a lot, one heck of a lot! Only you just can’t get a decent one anywhere near me. The UK only turns out some sweet gunky idea of what one should be.
      To eat a homebaked one with those lovely cherries, made by a real hausfrau is making me weak at the knees.

      Oh gawd, I’ve just dribbled all over the keyboard!

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